Friday, December 19, 2008

Are You Essential? Take the Inclement Weather Quiz!

Welcome back, studio audience!

In today's changing and precarious times, it's important that employees living and working in a region where weather occurs, spend a few moments asking themselves this question: Am I essential? Is my physical presence at my place of toil of the essence? Not sure? We're here to help.

Take the Quiz: Are You Essential?
1. Are you responsible for ensuring that others continue living?
2. Are you responsible for somehow mitigating an occurrence that would result in the potential maiming/harming/dismemberment/ death of other humans (and possibly also any well-loved pets)?
3. If you do not risk life and limb (and a new car) to journey to and from your workplace, will you lose your job?
4. Do you get a secret thrill from driving around in a hurricane/earthquake/blizzard/flash flood/wildfire/tornado/frog plague?
5. Is an Act of Congress or a Presidential Executive Order required for you to miss work when faced with a hurricane/earthquake/ blizzard/flash flood/wildfire/tornado/frog plague?

One or more "Yes" answers. If you answered "Yes" to to any of these questions, congratulations! You are essential. As essential personnel, be aware that you may die in the process of arriving to, or departing from, your place of work, which would render you both non-corporeal and inessential (but perhaps not deprive you of your essence, although that's still subject to debate).

No on all questions but #4. If you answered "No" on questions 1,2,3, and 5, I'm sorry, you are not essential, you're just a dangerous adrenalin junkie. Please remain in the assumed safety of your own home, comfortable in the knowledge that today, you my have saved a life: Your own!

Today's quiz is brought to you by the United States Federal Government(TM): Providers of Silly Bureaucracy Since 1774!

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