Friday, February 22, 2008

When Did New Englanders Become So Incapable?

It's February.

It's Boston.


Oh. My. God.

When did we become so utterly incapable of managing in the snow?

This is the town that dug out with nonchalance and dignity during the Blizzard of '78. We walked to the store. We shopped for our neighbors. My mother built an igloo and kicked us out of the house. We were happy to go—after all, we had an igloo to play in, and let's be honest: How cool was that?

Yet now, with a WHOPPING five inches of snow due, the New England Emergency Management Agency and the Governor send state workers home early and encourage other businesses to do the same.

I simply don't understand it. I don't understand people who complain about the snow. I cannot comprehend those who wonder when it will stop snowing (early- to mid-April, people, that's when). Why do they live here? Why do they not understand that we live at 42.37 degrees North latitude, and hence, an area subject to a distinct, four-season climate, impacted by often severe changes in temperature resulting from a complex set of topographic and meteorologic factors into which I will not digress here?

(And I know that there are those of you who will claim some weird Puritan/Pilgrim attitude of liking to complain or a cultural memory steeped in a desire for hardship, etc., etc., but I don't buy it.)

So, to those of you who are freaked out, unhappy, or otherwise irritated by snow, I say this:

Move to Phoenix.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Locked up; Locked Out

Well, the first issue is the job. Yes, I've locked up my return to corporate america. Maybe New Company will be good. Who knows? I wish I could be happy about it, but I'm not.

The second is being locked out of my apartment for two days. Not pleasant. I love my parents, but I hate their futon. (For those of you who believe that "hate" is a strong word, I recommend that you spend two consecutive nights on my parents' futon.)

Third, the recession is real. How do I know this? Yahoo! News' deck has been featuring "stretch your food dollar" articles like "Make Canned Soup Tasty!" and "10 Things You Can Do With Ramen!".

I have three more weeks of freedom before getting cozy with New Job, and I've lots to do before then.

Perhaps I'll buy some ramen.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I Bring You a Recession

I am responsible for so very much. Yes, I am. I control the U.S. economy—I'm that powerful. You can look at every layoff I've ever been through as a bellweather for an economic downturn.

You doubt me? Let me get my resume and I'll show you, nonbelievers!

In any case, I'm really relieved to know that the Medicare Part D program benefits only the truly deserving souls who needed it: The Shrub's friends running insurance companies.

What a relief that the elderly and disabled beneficiaries of Medicare have their expensive medications covered only most of the time, while Humana and CIGNA's senior leadership (not to mention some former senior execs involved with the local healthcare landscape) will be making out like bandits come bonus time. It comforts me, the jobless one.

And now that we've had a nice satisfying rant about healthcare, let's move on to Super Tuesday. Please to direct your attention to the cover of todays' issue of The New York Times online. See John McCain's Official Trophy Wife Number Two? Look closely, and in your mind's eye, superimpose the creature from Alien onto Cindy Lou's head.

If you weren't frightened by the Senator's proposed "permanent state of war" comment earlier this month, that image should do it for you.

Run away, America!!! This couple is just Shrub-lite, and in some ways, scarier.

Now, Hil, Barack, you two just figure it out right now, or I'm sending you both to your room. Run on a joint ticket. Barack, you take role number two, and Hil, give him something REAL to do. He's a smart man, and you don't want to turn him into Al Gore 2.0, do you?

Because as we all know, Clinton-Obama will whoop some serious election-day butt if pitched against any Republican.