Monday, July 20, 2009

Making You Feel Better By Making You (Feel Like) Crap

There is a guaranteed method of making sure that a surgical patient will heal quickly. Apparently, it has to do with making that patient feel as NASTY as possible prior to the surgery so that, in retrospect, the patient is duped into thinking that s/he is "recovering" when in point of fact, s/he is NOT recovering, but is merely returning to the baseline point of health that would have existed after surgery had not the patient had to:
* Become dehydrated.
* Go 24 hours without solid food.
* Poop. A lot. For hours.
* Lose sleep.
* Poop some more.
* Go an additional 24 hours with hospital food.

So, I'm just pointing out that when you arrive at the hospital for surgery, and you feel extra-rotten, it's just a trick. They are tricking you.

Don't let them trick you!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Today's Statistics!

Okay, so in praise of my departing, uh, ladyparts, I ran some stats. It's the last ever time I will have Aunt Flo in town, and it got me to thinking about the whole thing:

* 33 years
* 400 times
* 2000 days
* 10,000 ob's

Other miscellany:
* If it ran continuously, that would be 5.4 years.
* Advil and Aleve used to be by prescription only.
* You don't have to have it at all now, if you take Yaz.

Will I miss it? Not really. But it's odd to think that I'm performing a biological function for the last time, quite literally. How often do you get to say, "This is the very last time I will ever (burp, fart, sneeze, etc.)?" I mean, seriously? If you knew you'd never sneeze, ever again, would you miss it? Would you think about all the other times you've sneezed and wonder about sneezing's role in your life? Would you think, "Hey, I'll never need to buy Kleenex again, because, hey, no more sneezing?"