Beantown's Back to School Bikers

Hello everyone!
Yes, it's back to school time her the land of the Hub and Spoke. So, I just want to wish all my co-cyclers good luck navigating our pothole-infested streets, and shout all the following advice at you (or if you prefer, just read the law, for pete's sake):

1. GET A FRAKKIN' HELMET.
Okay, don't. Strengthen the gene pool by dying early because of your stupidity. Seriously, though, get a helmet. Please. Ninety-four percent of all disabling head injuries associated with cycling could have been prevented if the injured party had worn a helmet.

2. GET OFF THE FRAKKIN' SIDEWALK.
The sidewalk, people, is for PEDESTRIANS. Not cyclists. Your travel space is immidiately to the right of the vehicle, between the moving traffic and the parked cars. You are also allowed, by law, to be in the general flow of traffic, but you will get honked at more frequently.

3. SIGNAL, YOU MORON.
Do you like it when the car doesn't signal and cuts you off? No, I didn't think so. And guess what? No one likes it when you don't signal. Learn your hand signals and use them.

4. INDICATE PASSING FROM THE REAR.
This one is so easy. In heavy traffic? Just give a polite shout to the cyclist ahead of you, "Oh your left/right!" Then pass. Easy. Polite. Safe.

5. DON'T RIDE TWO ABREAST.
I know it's fun to talk with your friend while cycling home. It's leisurely and nice and pleasant and all that. But it's unsafe and illegal. Don't do it.

6. DON'T RUN REDS.
Run a red light and get hit? Guess what? It's your fucking fault. I don't care if the street is a one-way, it's your fault, same as if you're in a car. Don't do it. Save a few minutes, and save a life—wait on the green.

7. TAKE OUT YOUR EARPHONES.
Your sense of hearing is a valuable ally as you cycle about town. It can tell you if there are cars on your left, cyclists behind you, etc., so please: Do not wear your iPod/iPhone/etc. when biking.

8. PACK SAFELY.
Yes, it's all well and good to swing your TJ's bag over your handlebars. But it's unsafe. It interferes with your brakes and your weight distribution. So if you want to haul luggage while you haul ass, get some saddlebags. The nice people at REI in the Fenway will set you up.

9. STAY OFF MEM. DRIVE.
There is a marked bike path next to the sidewalk. Please use it.

10. SHUT UP AND RIDE.
Using a cell phone while on your bike is just stupid. Don't.

That's about it....oh, one more thing: If you're a bike messenger, just be kind to this pokey, porky old gal when you pass me, okay?

A cure for arrested musical development

I think it was her hair.
Or maybe it was her tatts.
But yes, ladies and gents, Amy Winehouse has done it.

She has been the cure for my case of Arrested Musical Development.

I think it was the fact that instead of pretending to a Boozy Rockstar Lifestyle, she embraces—without apology—said ethos.

She's like the love child of Eartha Kitt and Kate Pierson as raised by Ronnie Spector.

And what of her lyrics? I mean, she said it...."I should be my own best friend, not fuck myself in the head with stupid men."

You work it, you big-haired little girl.

It's Bicoastal Media Cross-Pollination Day!

Let's here it for today's celebrant, Sloane Crosley of Random House. Sloane today not only appears as the author of a Salon.com article on a uniquely kooky-nutty brain-wiring challenge, but she also crops up in The New York Times in a Style article about women embracing their inner—and flaunting their outer—meat-eaters.

Sloane has covered many potential media bases:
1. Author for left coast new media magazine.
2. Interviewee for right coast online version of the Grey Lady.
3. Publicist employed by old-guard publishing house.

Go Sloane!

Now, if she could just grab a spot on Larry King, she'll be all set. Clearly, this woman is a total slacker.

(Love those media outlets for maintaining their silo-like integrity.)

Damp 'n Trashy? Don't Despair! Use The Bates Method®

Ever find yourself at an unfamiliar yacht club, wondering what time they shut down launch service?

If you're plagued by this pesky problem, you can use the patented Bates Method® to safely return your drunken passengers to shore!

It's a simple 10-step method to solving one of a sailor's biggest challenges:

1. After drinking heavily, call the yacht club three times even though there are NO lights on.
2. Upon getting no answer, unlash your trash-filled Zodiac.
3. Pile guests and Insta-Navigator® into trash-filled Zodiac.
4. Active Insta-Navigator's powerful flashlight.
5. Motor gingerly through large yachts in unfamiliar waters.
6. As engine cuts out, do not panic. Solve problem; restart engine.
7. Continue gingerly motoring through unfamiliar waters.
8. Arrive safely at launch dock.
9. Toss trash onto dock. Wave goodbye to well-fed, yet bosky and ungainly friends who fall merrily into soggy trash.
10. Go back to boat. Sigh with relief. Fall asleep.

(Insta-Navigator® not available on all cruises. Alcohol not provided on all cruises. Please read instructions carefully. When used properly and according to package directions, The Bates Method will usually result in fun and laughter. However, fun and laughter are not guaranteed. Guests not provided.)